Londa, we miss you.

 

Oh how I miss my sweet mother in law. How my heart aches, in desperate need to just hug her one more time. Londa, thank you for my husband. I love you and the Boys miss you!

Look at our Icecicle

 

Isak and his first snow.

 

When words come alive.

Isak Samuel Hahn.
Eleven wonderful months.
What a wonderful, beautiful exciting eleven months it has been. Isak was going to originally be Lyrik Kaemon Hahn. My song, my joy. That is what it means. Kaemon originated from Kaye, after my late sister Amanda Kaye. From the begining God had a different idea with Isak than I did for myself. Isak was always Isak it just took me time to accept that. Isak comes from laughter. With the onset of londas cancer being the same time we found out we were due to have Isak. It was only fitting to follow through with the name Isak, which is laughter. And let me tell you why. Londa was Laughter. She embodied a laugh that was only infectious. Sometimes I didnt know why something was so funny to her. But she would laugh away, and her whole body would laugh. She would laugh from her soul. Now that's quite a joy. When Isak entered the world of course we thought he was pretty special. But I had no idea he would be all that he is and then some. Isak got his grandmas laugh. With her being gone now, its so amazing to see her laugh in him.


Isak not only laughs just like his Grandma, but it doesnt take much to get him to laugh either. I love that. Simple Joy. Well recently Isak has began to take on words and they are coming alive. Pouring out of him like water of a faucet. Its new everyday. His words that are coming alive are Twacor(tractor), cwacker(cracker), brodder(brother), wag(dog), ball and now its HIKE! His first action word and he certainly play the part well. Daddy has taught Isak to bend down and say HIKE. He then runs the ball to me occasionally fumbling. His words are coming alive. We have such joy in this little guy. He brings us a newness of laughter we needed in the time of loss. Isak is still my song on life but more so my laughter.

Sleep..PLEASE.

When I was pregnant with Lukas I had known not to expect much sleep. After all the stories you hear, I finally gathered that babies dont sleep. Well Lukas was and has been quite the opposite. He slept great as a baby. Its into the toddler stages he is not sleeping. i wasn't warned about this. And to be quite frank. I am just exhausted, more now than ever before. Not because I have a 11 month old either. I find it very amusing my 11 month old sleeps better than his 3 year old brother. I find myself more irritable, unproductive, depressed and just blah when i dont get sleep. And for me thats saying alot. I never have required alot of sleep. I love early mornings. But I want them to be in my time. Not being woke up at 3am like the sun has risen hours ago!
Lukas is a very stubborn boy.Anytime there is disagreements about sleep time, he fights it to no end and will not go back to bed. I guess this is one of those things that did change when Isak came into our lives. We lost the routine of bed time. My goal today is to stay focused on routine. Not a time routine but a habit routine. today I learned the difference between the two. I feel like i have been walking on egg shells with the two. When i lay Isak down then luke i get flustered cause lukas will yell and cry and wake his brother up. If i wait to lay isak down lukas wont sleep. I am learning that i just need to do what i desire in my children and stick to it. Not waver. And not waver based on circumstances and I have done this. I get distracted by my own selfishness. I have failed so much as a parent. I want to make things right and stop having anger in my heart, that grows into bitterness towards my kids for lack of sleep. I know now that lukas has just been confused by inconsistency. For me that is a hard one to swallow. But my pride finally falls beneath me and leave it there.Walking into Consistency, the goal. We have a crazy, unrealistic lifestyle when it comes to routines based on time. Reading a article this morning changed my lifes perspective. If my husband and I offer the kids consistency in meals, love, playtime, bed time and relationships they will be just fine.

A gift, My Juicer.

Well first and foremost anytime you can get your kid to consume spinach, kale, apples, carrots, cucumber and so on its a miracle. And let me tell you my juicer is a miracle. I have wanted a juicer for the longest time. It goes back to when i lived in Washington and my cousin introduced me to wheat grass shots. I gotta say YUM! i was hooked and obsessive about getting a juicer. One morning at my moms house during one of our usualy routines of coffee mornings, we were talking away and in the background is a infomercial for a Jack Lalanne Elite Juicer! My mom didn't just order nor did she get two, YUP! she orders three!! And turns to me and says "that's your Christmas present" and smiles. It was a wonderful gift that i have had now for years and I tell anyone and everyone I can to "get this juicer". Although it may not do wheat grass as nicely as i would like. It rocks! and the benefits of juicing are far to many to not like the idea of juicing. I will probably talk more on juicing later. But for now i Just got excited and wanted to share my joys this morning and Juicing it definitely one of them!

change in me

afraid of vulnerability

fear of what it would reveal

scared from insecurity

my mind crosses way

as I dream to change

i look at me everyday

Who i see is someone who wants to be loved

and wants to love back safely

someone who wants to be transparent no matter what

but when i walk through the door of days

My actions make a quick slip

and instead of getting back up

i sit in my puddle of pride

refusing to accept the faulty step

the pain and hurt is caused

I try to hide

I lay there in despair

for all that I wanted to be that day

all that I planned to succeed in

goes unresolved because I am not brave

It is when I realize that I Am safe

that nothing can happen to me

i will remain unharmed

Because of The savior of the world

He cares and Loves for me

more than I shall ever fathom

He holds me close

and will not abandon me


he stays no matter the hardship

because My savior, The Holy one,

He paid the ultimate hardship

on the cross he bore my sin

my sin that ultimately causes me my Pain

and though I fall and hold tight to my pride

He lifts me up and graces me with his humbleness.

He looks in my eyes and pierces me with love and light

and He shows me how to forgive

and tells me this in not my fight.

He carries me and undoubtedly will not let me down

and I will never forget

the price He paid when he wore the painful crown

when I cry and I weap for loss

I have to remember that He sobbed,

and mourned for the broken

for those who would never accept his Love

and for that they have been robbed

taken by the world

and they know not of the thief.

so as I grow weary in my vengeance

as my anger becomes my delight

My heart pounds within me

for I know the hand that holds me tight.